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What is
a "military divorce?"
A military divorce is simply a divorce in which the
husband and/or wife is serving in the military. From a legal point of
view, there is nothing specifically called a "military divorce."
[More on this,
later...]
Why should
I consider mediation?
- It costs a lot less. You'll be working with one mediator instead
of two attorneys for deciding the terms of your divorce.
- It is faster. Your time is used efficiently. In mediation, the two
of you work together instead of making proposals separately through
your attorneys.
- There is less stress. Misunderstandings are eliminated immediately.
Game-playing is eliminated. Trust builds.
- It is private. The courts do not need to be involved.
What's the cost?
Do you hear that you can get divorced for $800? Usually, that fee
covers only the write-up of your agreement and filing. If all of the
terms of your divorce have already been laid out and agreed to, then
yes, you can get divorced for $800.
However, there is a lot of work to be done in order to identify everything
that needs to be decided, and then to negotiate those decisions. And
after that, there is still the final document that needs to be written
up.
In mediation, your time is used very efficiently. You are negotiating
with the help of one mediator, working with the two of you - together,
in the same room, talking with one another - instead of being separated
and negotiating through the attorneys or making appearances in court.
(In certain cases I will meet with you separately: domestic violence,
bullying, ...)
So, what affects how many hours it will take? It depends on whether
you are someone who can make decisions easily, whether you have patience
in listening to your spouse's proposals, whether children are involved,
whether you prepare for each meeting, whether the two of you can discuss
issues at home without getting into arguments.
You should expect the cost of working with one mediator to be less
than half the cost of negotiating through two attorneys. Besides less
time equalling less money, I also offer a 20% discount to military
families.
So, what
is mediation?
Here's what it is not: It is not arguing all of the
terms of your divorce through two attorneys representing each of you
individually.
Here's what it is: Mediation is a process in which a neutral
party (the mediator) works with the two of you, together, in the same
room, to help you decide what will work best for all involved.
Divorce shouldn't be a strictly legalistic process, but rather
one of negotiation with compassion.
As I guide you through the process of negotiating the terms of your
divorce, I help ensure that each of you feel empowered to make informed
decisions: dividing assets & debts, parenting responsibilities,
child support, spousal support. In doing so, I recognize the interplay
of the legal, financial, and emotional aspects of divorce. So I strive
to minimize your stress in making those tough decisions, in an informal
yet structured environment allowing for creative decisions.
In general, it is an attorney's obligation to try to "win"
for his/her client. But divorce is not about winning or losing. It should
be about moving forward with your individual lives as best you can.
For
more on "mediation" click here.
How
is a military divorce different from a civilian divorce?
In one sense, the military divorce is a civilian divorce.
Divorces are granted by the State of North Carolina in District Court.
It is not done through a military court. The laws of NC govern the process.
The important difference is in how military benefits are managed.
The managing of retirement funds can be complicated, and it is important
to understand how NC civil rules mesh with military rules. Also, the
military extends many benefits to the ex-spouse that continue after
divorce. Understanding these will influence the negotiating of the terms
of your divorce. Your mediator needs to explain all of these issues
so that they are clearly understood.
And of course there are emotional issues to be recognized that differ
enormously from those of the civilian population. Privacy is important.
Completing the process efficiently is important. Timeliness is important.
And understanding the stresses of military duty is essential.
So, while a military divorce is the same as any other divorce, the
special circumstances of military duty must be taken into account.
How does mediation
work?
I handle my mediation sessions differently than how attorneys generally
do it. Attorneys usually have the parties in two rooms, and the attorney
goes back and forth with proposals and counter-proposals.
My approach to mediation is more conversational. I work with the two
of you together, in the same room. I want you to hear one another, see
one another. I ask questions to the two of you. "Tell me your
thoughts about the house." "How will that fit into
your schedules?" "Can your budgets support this approach?"
The two of you will work together - not against one another - to come
up with all of the terms of your divorce.
All of your decisions will fall into four categories: (1) sharing
your assets and debts, (2) parenting arrangements for your kids, (3)
sharing the financial responsibilities for your kids, (4) helping one
another with spousal support.
I will guide you through a process to help you identify what needs
to be decided, generate possible alternative solutions, and guide your
conversation in moving towards your agreements. I will teach you the
concepts behind the areas to be decided. By talking with each other,
the two of you will build more trust and will come up with solutions
that will last.
We don't look back. We move forward.
The output of the mediation is a document that I write called a Memorandum
of Understanding (MOU). This details all of your decisions. After you
have the final draft of the MOU, you have just one more step: you need
to convert my MOU into your Separation Agreement. You may do the conversion
yourself, but I encourage you to use your attorneys to write your Separation
Agreement based on my MOU.
Voluntary
mediation vs. mandatory mediation
Adults are allowed to make decisions on their own. You don't have
to use attorneys. You don't have to use a judge. You can choose to mediate
voluntarily, at any stage in your divorce. You have the right to call
a mediator and set up an appointment.
If you were to go to court over the distribution of assets or custody,
the judge would order you to go to mediation. At that point, you can
select your mediator, or you can ask your attorney to select your mediator,
or you can have the court assign a mediator to your case. Many attorneys
will tell you that mediation is required. But, in fact, mediation is
required only if your case is filed with the court and you appear before
a judge.
However, you don't have to wait for your attorney or a judge to tell
you to mediate. You can start the process on your own, and either with
or without attorneys.
How do we use
attorneys in voluntary mediation?
It is your choice whether you want to use attorneys or not. Attorneys
are not required in order to get divorced, and they are not required
if you are mediating. The choice is yours.
However, I do encourage my clients to have attorneys, even
if you are mediating. But their roles are limited. In most cases, my
clients who choose mediation voluntarily do not have their attorneys
attend the mediation sessions.
So, where do the attorneys fit in? If you want legal advice, if you
want to confirm something that I have told you, if you want to hear
a biased opinion, then your attorney is just a phone call away. I especially
encourage my clients to use their attorneys for writing the final draft
of your Separation Agreement (the terms of the divorce). I will produce
for you a document that details all of your agreements. You, or your
attorneys, will need to convert my document into your final Separation
Agreement. Some of my clients choose to not use attorneys at all, and
they do all of the paper work themselves. While I discourage this, you
have that right. (Many attorneys charge around $800 to wriet your Separation
Agreement based on my Memorandum of Understanding.)
[Note: A "Separation Agreement" is not about being "legally
separated." Rather, it is the document that spells out the distribution
of assets, custody, child suport, and spousal support. Its name is somewhat
misleading.]
Your next step...
If you would like to know more about the divorce process, or about
mediation, or about me - or if you are ready to start - please feel
free to give me a call.
Art Lieberman
In Fayetteville: (910) 916-4826
For
more questions and answers, click here.
For
more about Art Lieberman, click here.
For
the "official" home page, click here.
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